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BDSM can be exciting, thrilling,demanding...but it is also in many ways a risk.
A risk for the willing submissive, trusting a partner.
A risk also for the Dom, when playing with a new submissive.
The Power Exchange / Role Play / D/s whatever you choose to term it, is an issue of deep trust and vulnerability. Any individual can offer sex, but offering Trust, Obedience, Service is a special gift, and because that trust is *sadly* abused and mis-used particular care and caution must be applied before, during and after play.
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For many reasons, people in the scene hide behind nicknames and internet characters. On IRC, chatrooms, messenger, etc we can hide behind a name and engage in adult, sometimes very graphic banter. Yet you cannot know for sure the age/sex of the screen writer.
Under *NO* circumstances make arrangements to meet an internet contact without:
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(a)
| Receiving and checking verifiable information. If your potential contact is genuine, you should expect more than just a mobile phone number as information. Ask for a business card, passport number, even a cheque payable to you in a nominal sum ( which provides no address details, but *is* traceable if needed).
| (b)
| Meeting the first time? Suggest a public place where you can both take a long time to talk, but where you can easily contact others for help. Try an art gallery (they dont like loud noises!) or museum, instead of a pub. Some rapists spike drinks, so never drink from a glass that has not received 100% of your attention.
| (c)
| Take along a friend, either openly or quietly, to watch that the 2 of you are comfortable, and getting along. Take a mobile phone and pre-arrange a call at a set time. Arrange a simple phrase to say to your silent caller, to indicate clearly whether things are well or not.
| (d)
| When you agree to meet to play : make sure that you are not travelling blind to an unknown destination. Full contact details should be left with someone you trust. Arrange a breakfast phone call.
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Ask your local Munch organiser to arrange a safe call for you, if your BDSM side is not "out" to anyone else. Use the contact page, and Talisker will arrange for a submissive in the group to support you.
Kusac or Elena at TheKinkLink will also run safecalls. Recommended.
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We all have different styles of play: some Doms are more demanding than others. It makes sense to check and map out the early stages of play, until trust is mutually made clear over time. Some Limits should always be agreed in advance, Hard Limits, where there is NO room for disagreement or dispute.
If your potential partner shows aggression or is pushy about your No areas, then hold back.
Recommended for first play : No hoods. Gags only to be used for a very short period of time, with very clear safeword signals.No blindfolds. Most D/s folk use the Traffic Light signs for BDSM play : green = ok, amber = pause / check, red = STOP NOW ! Make it clear you expect to be asked, as play proceeds.
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Finishing a BDSM relationship can be just as messy as an vanilla ending, sometimes much messier. Subs can find it difficult to define abuse, harrassment, mistreatment but these remain the same, regardless of the relationship context.
If your wishes are repeatedly ignored, and violence follows, it is abuse.
If sexual relations continue against your will, it is still rape
If you are chased, stalked, publicly maligned in chatgroups etc., it is harrassment.
Just because you are into BDSM, you still have Rights. The Police still have a legal duty to protect you.
For a guide on harrassment : go here ~ www.harassment-law.co.uk
Remember at all times the community motto : SSC = Safe, Sane, Consensual. If at any time in your meetings play does not fall into these categories, question it, consider it, check it.
Be kinky, be wild even, but be SAFE.
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